I grew up at school the local retard. No really, I did act crazy. And because of that, I suffered much rejection and social out casting. Two years after graduation- I grew up. And I do not act like I used to, I swear! I am not the idiot I used to be and now yes, I do associate with people like a normal person now! I am making a second chance for myself now and I am starting my way to moving towards a career.
But what am I left with? Memories that bring on regret that causes my chest to throb, so that I just lay there on the bed, as if to let it all bleed out but it never bleeds out? The recovery from growing up as some 'thing'? A fear and distrust of teenagers, guys/men? If a group of giggling teenage girls in the canteen cause me to get paranoid then guys are like, way more opposite.
Apart from my dad, whom I do not see as any more then just my dad and not a possible threat, and my brothers who do not count as I and other people along with me say that they are NOT normal, I don't hang out with guys. Well, I do talk to them and act normal around them, and if you were a guy and I was talking to you then you would never know that you intimidate me. Well, nowadays you might not know any way, because I’ve gotton pretty good at hiding it. But I can't let guys any closer, afraid they'll think I'm the freak from next Tuesday.
Guys have less of an emotion range then girls, right? At least that's what I've been told. I don't know how much compassion they have, whether they'll act like ...
There's this girl that I knew in college. We lost touch and then reconnected. And I remember how much I wanted her back then. In fact, there's one day I will never forget. I was a half a second away from saying "do you have a little time to come to my room?"
To which I know ... because I know how she felt about me ... she would have said "sure." With no questions asked.
And at that point I know that I would have made love to her for about 12 hours.
But I never did. And I regret it. And now I can't have the chance again. At least, I don't think I can. But I wish I could tell her.
About two years ago my best friend (at the time, I find her rather irritating now) was in a serious relationship with somebody. When they broke up she was distraught even though they were only young. She still hasn't really got over it. Over the past few years she's done some horrible things to me, turned people against me, gone out of her way to 'get to know' men I've liked. So I didn't really feel guilty when I slept with her ex boyfriend. Twice! He lives round the corner from me and I asked him to go for a walk, I didn't want to walk, I was horny, after about five minutes I asked to go back to his and we had a lot of sex. The most ironic thing is she kept raving on about how big he was, just waiting for the right opportunity to call her a liar.
I rented a DVD "Into the Wild" which was based on a true story of a college graduate from an affluent family. He gave up everything to live in the wild on his own. I found it inspirational and sad. How many of us would have the guts to do something like that, even for a few months? It made me wonder how often I have challenged myself and what challenges I should consider making.
Gas prices keep going up. Two of my friends just lost their job and it seems like every other house in my neighborhood is either up for sale or in foreclosure. Hopefully things will change when the next president is in office.
About a month ago, I met a beautiful girl who I instantly hit it off with. The problem is that she drinks constantly and I think she has a problem. Whenever I go over her place, even if it is in the early afternoon, she is always drinking wine or having a cocktail. Needless to say, we have sex all the time, and I think it is because of the alcohol. She isn't the type of girl that I would ever want a serious relationship with, so I am just having fun now until I want a real relationship, and then I will start looking elsewhere.
One of my first jobs as a teenager was working in a small pizza restaurant near a local college. One night a bunch of guys came in and they were really obnoxious. They placed their order and waited for their pizza. I saw a moth flying around the kitchen. I caught it, killed it and ripped it apart and spread it over their pizza under the cheese. I'm not sure if I did this because the guys irritated me or that I really hated my job, but I felt better doing it.
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