With a recession looming, I wonder, are people keeping more money secrets than usual?
Do you spend more money than you have? Do you run up high credit card debts? Do you spend and keep it a secret from your significant other? Are you having trouble controlling your spending when you go shopping?
There have been several recent articles about financial secrets and I am sure this is just the tip of the iceberg.
If you are one of the many people who are keeping your spending a secret, you are probably harming yourself, even if you think you have it under control. Keeping secrets can be physically and emotionaly draining. In one of my recent blog entries, I quote Martha Beck ,who writes for Oprah Magazine: "... keeping secrets is very stressful and has well-documented physiological effects such as a decrease in immune function and even how long we live."
In another recent blog post , I discussed how keeping financial secrets from your spouse can ruin a marriage. It's important to understand why you are really keeping the secret in order to begin to solve the issue.
Confessing your spending sins is one way to release the stress of keeping them all to yourself. Finding a good, supportive community is a great step to increase your confidence that you can find help and improve your situation. Once you are back on track, go one step further and see if you can help someone else by lending non-judgemental ear and offer support.
The previous two articles in this series discuss what kind of secrets can ruin a marriage; specifically, financial secrets and intimacy secrets .
In the last part of this series, I'm going to discuss the possible impact of keeping information about your past (before marriage) a secret from your spouse.
A person might keep something hidden if it is extremely embarrassing. Everyone does things that they are not proud of from time to time, and keeping it a secret from one's spouse might be a way of distancing oneself from the embarrassment.
Another secret people sometimes keep from their significant others is past sexual history. If one spouse has been promiscuous in the past and suspects that their husband or wife would not approve, it might seem easier not to reveal this information.
On the larger scale, a past traumatic event might go hidden if it causes too much pain to revisit, or if the person feels that their spouse might not be supportive.
But what are the rules when it comes to divulging your past in a marriage? As I mentioned in the article on intimacy secrets , one way to help sort through the emotional clutter is to ask yourself what your motivation is for keeping it a secret. Are you helping the marriage by witholding this information? Would your spouse feel disrespected if they found out that you didn't want them to know?
Looking inward for answers is usually the best first step in dealing with these difficult dilemmas.
In this series, I am discussing secrets that can ruin a marriage. In part one of the series , I covered how keeping financial secrets from your spouse can eventually erode a relationship, especially a marriage.
Obviously, other secrets, like infidelity can also ruin a marriage. But what about other less overt kinds of activities, like "harmless flirtation", or emotional infidelity?
If a co-worker is flirting with you and you are sure nothing will ever be acted on, should you tell your spouse?
Emotional infidelity happens when a spouse forms an intense romantic bond with someone other than his or her significant other. Just how far can one go before their spouse is being "cheated on"?
One consideration would be to ask yourself why you are keeping this information from your spouse. Do you believe that what you are doing is best for both you and your spouse? Another good question to ask yourself is how is your relationship being enhanced by keeping this information secret?
Being honest with yourself about what is acceptable within your relationship is important in respecting your significant other. Revealing your true intent to yourself is key to understanding whether or not you have a potential relationship issue.
There are many kinds of secrets that can ruin a marriage. In the next few blog postings we're going to discuss some of them.
Today, I'm going to talk about financial secrets between a couple.
According to author and radio host, Dave Ramsey , many people keep financial secrets and those secrets can be a sign of or cause problems within a marriage. Smaller items don't compare to finding out your spouse has accumulated a $50,000 credit card debt,but it does signify a lack of communication and cooperation in a marriage.
It seems that often financial secrets in a marriage occur because one partner feels that they have no control of their finances and they spend money specifically to "rebel".
Another type of common financial secret is when one spouse gives money to the kids without informing the other spouse. It's more likely to happen in blended families, "when a divorced parent wants to 'protect' his or her own child from the new 'evil stepmother' or stepfather, and part of the way he or she does that is by handing out money".
Getting to the bottom of the reason why the financial secret exists is critical to begin solving the problem. It's also important to discuss the mistake with your partner. Being honest will clear the air and allow the healing process to begin. If you're not ready to reveal your secret to your partner, revealing it online anonymously is at least a start. You must be able to own up to it yourself in order to come to terms with the issue.
According to an Oprah Magazine article by Martha Beck, "secrets are like stars: they're hot, volatile concentrations of energy and they have two ways of dying." The first is the often-told "white lie" that "simply burn out and cool off". The second is a more major lie which is likened to a massive stars that "collapse in on themselves, growing so dense that they create an immense gravitational vortex from which even light can't escape. They become black holes".
According to a book by Gail Saltz, MD called "Anatomy of a Secret Life: The Psychology of Living a Lie, even a relatively minor lie can cause the keepers of the secret to withdraw from others, exhibit strange moods and isolate themselves completely.
Beck says that keeping secrets is very stressful and has well-documented physiological effects such as a decrease in immune function and even how long we live. Holding on to a secret for a long time can diminish our capacity for intimacy and openness.
Revealing secrets is liberating and also frees up energy often used to keep the secret in the dark.
Blog 
